So, I have been probed about the ethics of schmoozing, and whether or not it is manipulative or sincere outreach. I believe that schmoozing, be it networking or maintaining relationships, is a healthy expression of the nature of the social human bein
g. It can be misused, however, just as Darth Vader used the force for the dark side. Cialdini’s six “weapons of influence” brings this to mind.
I hope to cover all six “weapons”, but for now, just to focus on what I would consider the basic, AK-47 of the schmooze weapons: liking.
While I hate to use Wikipedia, but its summary of this principle will have to do for now:
People are easily persuaded by other people that they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them. Some of the many biases favoring more attractive people are discussed.
The “dark side” example of this is the well known Ponzi scheme of Bernie Madoff, using his close connections and “likability” to scam his close friends and contacts. On a broader level, this is why there is “TV ugly” or “TV pretty”, the idea that those on the TV must be a certain level of attractiveness or viewers won’t like them as much and won’t watch the show.
If you want to get someone to like you, the best way is to:
1. Get to know them as much you want them to know you. This can be of varying degrees depending on what you are looking for in the relationship. If I want to make friends, I ask about hobbies and passions, as I hope the individual will be interested in learning those things about me. If I am looking for a business connection, I ask about their work and vision for their future (or how they got to where they are now) and hopefully they will be interested in the same about me. People love to talk about themselves, and if you give them a stage with a willing audience, it will not only give you interesting conversation but also indicate that you care about what other people have to say.
2. Be yourself. Which “yourself” you choose is based on the relationship you want to develop. When meeting friends, I share my knowledge of Nintendo Wii and affinity for long walks in forest preserves. For prospective business associates, I share my work experiences and goals. Either way, NEVER LIE. I know this seems trite, but resist even the smallest impulse to “white lie” about your credentials, or pretend to be interested in something your not. If you do “fudge the truth” a bit, you will have to maintain that burden for the entire relationship or confess–and that is not a healthy beginning to any relationship. Lies will catch up with you, if not with this relationship, with some other common contact you both may have.
Tip: Getting someone to like to is more about you getting to like them. Affection and friendship is best when reciprocated. Also, avoid turning to the Dark Side and using their trust of you for wrong purposes.
Please clarify the following: “I hope to cover all six weapons, but for now, just to focus on what I would consider the basic, AK-47 of the schmooze weapons: liking.”
I have read this a dozen times and cannot make even a scintilla of sense of it.
Hi Chewy,
My gun enthusiast friends have often told me that the AK-47 is one of the most popular rifles. Using Cialdini’s “6 weapons of persuasion” analogy, I find that his “weapon” of Liking would best resemble an AK-47 in the schmooze world. Most people want to be liked–if you think someone likes you, your interactions with him/her are drastically more confident. I find that most people start with trying to get someone to like them as their first means of persuasion. Due to the popularity of this approach, I consider the AK-47 to be a good analogy using the concept of “weapons of persuasion”.
As someone who currently does not own a firearm, I am up for a better gun/weapon metaphor if you can suggest it.
Now I am clear. You are saying I should bring an AK-47 to social events. When people see the gun, they will have to like me or else risk certain death.
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