From Chicago to Israel

My friend sent me an article from Haaretz about how a local Chicago Rabbi is starting a new community in the Negev of Israel.  I know a few people from Chicago interested in this adventure, and I have only spoken to Rabbi Lopatin briefly about it.  I admire Rabbi Lopatin for his ability to build communities, and especially the fact the he is following his own dream and making Aliyah (moving to Israel).  As a student of Jewish studies, I can’t help but be disappointed by Haaretz‘s coverage  of this significant event.

Haaretz introduces the issue as a political one, introducing Rabbi Lopatin in terms of his connection to Rahm Emmanuel, as if celebritizing the issue will make it more interesting.  This issue has validity regardless of Rahm’s connection to the Rabbi, and the article ignored the greatest issue of all: why would American Jews move to Israel?

It’s more of a rhetorical question, as Aliyah is a beautiful, spiritual act.  But the fact that Americans are interested in this Zionist “building a home in the desert” mission brings up a lot of issues in modern Diaspora life.  When thinking of modern immigration to Israel, I see images of Former Soviet Union Jews escaping persecution, Ethiopian Jews rebuilding their lives in Israel.  What would draw American Jews, a community that is both safe a flourishing, to Israel?  Maybe it is the dreary economy, unable to provide stable jobs for young Jewish families, and building a new community offers a Romantic purpose that one might not find pushing papers or processing spread sheets.  Perhaps this is a statement of the quality of Jewish life in America? Perhaps Americans moving to Israel signals a new phase in the global Jewish identity: we move to Israel because we want to, not because we have to.

Schmoozing for the Shy

I read this post on overcoming shyness and really enjoyed it. I wouldn’t consider myself shy, but there were major times in my life that can be labeled as socially awkward.  I think the blog (The Jobbershop) gave one really great tip for how to work through shyness in order to schmooze:

Have a purpose: For some shy people, it is much easier to interact with others when you have a reason rather than just coming up to them “cold”. Here are a few examples of having a purpose to your networking event:

• Volunteer at an event-My favorite type of networking events were when I would volunteer at workshops, conventions, etc. I felt that if I had a purpose, such as maintaining a certain area or providing customer service, then it was easier to engage in conversation with others. In fact, people will seek you out because they may need your assistance. As a shy person myself, the initial approach is a huge source of my anxiety; volunteering at an event cuts down the probability that I will have to be the initiator.

Network via social media before an initial meeting- If you are going to a conference/event try searching Facebook to see if the event has a group page or even do a twitter search to see if others are talking about it. You may even want to pose a question yourself via twitter so that others may reach out to you. Point is, meet people before the event and get to know them a bit online. Then set up a time or place to meet at the networking event.

I found another article from shakeyourshyness.com written from the shy perspective.  It’s interesting because shyness can be a double edged sword in the the business world:

Many shy people thrive in the business world because it provides us with a “role” to play that legitimizes the things we do.  As long as we’re acting “on behalf” of the company or in the best interests of someone else, we find the strength to do great things.  But ask us to step outside that role—let’s say, at the holiday office party, on the company softball team or in the boss’ office to negotiate something for ourselves and it’s over.  We melt, if not dissolve, as our self-confidence crumbles.  Then again, for some of us, there is no such thing as a safe place in the business world, because few if any social interactions are tolerable.  For us, our only hope is to find a position that requires little or no interaction with other people—as a bookkeeper, a computer programmer or maybe a night janitor.

But the saddest part about shyness in the business world is not the discomfort it causes us, but the opportunities we miss as we sit back in staff meetings, training sessions and business negotiations silently watching as our colleagues speak up and reap their rewards while we’re still formulating our thoughts.

Schmooze or Lose

 

I found this to be short and sweet.  I’m not sure if their promotion of quintcareers.com is anything more than a sponsorship moment (this series tends to have a lot of those moments), but I definately like the questions brought up about the attitude one should have at an interview.  Enjoy!

Political Schmooze

Last Sunday was a great day: the Bears won, the sky was blue…and I went door to door asking for support for a local politician. If you are looking for schmooze experience, and you have not yet tried political campaigning, sign up for a candidate you like and get ready to go on a schmooze adventure of a lifetime.

It was really brilliant. My friend picked out an area that was pretty homogeneous: an elderly gated community.  This meant we were interrupting people watching the Bears game and spending time with their children and grand children on a beautiful Sunday. While my friend insisted we only go to the homes who are listed as registered voters of the  candidate’s party, I went ahead and went to as many doors as possible.  We only needed to get her on ballot, and a signature wouldn’t hurt anybody.

Without going into the details of the whole experience, I want to brag that I got the most signatures that day, beating out my friend and the candidate herself.  Hopefully my advice will be relevant to any networking/soliciting you may have to do in your career or career search.

1.Smile a lot. It sounds corny, but a smile really disarms people, especially if they are not so enthusiastic about your knocking at their door. I work in a call center dealing with issues of health & welfare, and everyday my coworkers and I are told that people can tell if you are smiling on the phone. And it’s true!  When I remember to smile while assisting people with their health care concerns, they are significantly more patient with me and less agitated with their situation. The key thing is to smile and be gracious even when you are put under pressure or are flat out rejected- it shows your own internal strength and warrants respect. You may not get the signature or donation, but that individual will not leave with a negative association of you.

2.Speak slowly and be focused.  You are interrupting their day. Period.  You better know exactly what you want and how to express it or you’ve wasted both their and your time. This comes along side with having confidence.

3. Show confidence. Even if you are not confident about the specific action or task, act & think like this is what you were born to do. People smell fear, and they won’t take you seriously.  It’s hard to be confident when you are doing something for the first time, so you have to forgive yourself ahead of time for the inevitable mistakes that you will make, and just know that you can learn more from those mistakes than your successes.

4. Be polite and know when to give up.  When someone would reject my request for a signature, I’d politely ask again with emphasis that this doesn’t commit them, and even go as far as making it seem like a personal favor.  If you are still rejected, remember that “no” means “no for now” and leave a good impression with the individual in case you may return for another campaign project.   It’s important to know when to cut your losses so your energy isn’t exerted uselessly.  Politeness will let you keep your dignity despite the rejection.

Political campaigning is a great schmooze experience because it forces you to meet a lot of people in a really short period of time.  Every new home is a new experience, and despite any rejections you might get from some individuals, you have to push the “refresh” button with every new door you knock on and start with a brand new, sincere smile.

The “Dark Side” of Schmooze

So, I have been probed about the ethics of schmoozing, and whether or not it is manipulative or sincere outreach.  I believe that schmoozing, be it networking or maintaining relationships, is a healthy expression of the nature of the social human being.  It can be misused, however, just as Darth Vader used the force for the dark side.  Cialdini’s six “weapons of influence” brings this to mind.

I hope to cover all six “weapons”, but for now, just to focus on what I would consider the basic, AK-47 of the schmooze weapons: liking.

While I hate to use Wikipedia, but its summary of this principle will have to do for now:

People are easily persuaded by other people that they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them. Some of the many biases favoring more attractive people are discussed.

The “dark side” example of this is the well known Ponzi scheme of Bernie Madoff, using his close connections and “likability” to scam his close friends and contacts.  On a broader level, this is why there is “TV ugly” or “TV pretty”, the idea that those on the TV must be a certain level of attractiveness or viewers won’t like them as much and won’t watch the show.

If you want to get someone to like you, the best way is to:

1. Get to know them as much you want them to know you.  This can be of varying degrees depending on what you are looking for in the relationship.  If I want to make friends, I ask about hobbies and passions, as I hope the individual will be interested in learning those things about me.  If I am looking for a business connection, I ask about their work and vision for their future (or how they got to where they are now) and hopefully they will be interested in the same about me.  People love to talk about themselves, and if you give them a stage with a willing audience, it will not only give you interesting conversation but also indicate that you care about what other people have to say.

2. Be yourself.  Which “yourself” you choose is based on the relationship you want to develop.  When meeting friends, I share my knowledge of Nintendo Wii and affinity for long walks in forest preserves.  For prospective business associates, I share my work experiences and goals.  Either way, NEVER LIE. I know this seems trite, but resist even the smallest impulse to “white lie” about your credentials, or pretend to be interested in something your not.  If you do “fudge the truth” a bit, you will have to maintain that burden for the entire relationship or confess–and that is not a healthy beginning to any relationship.  Lies will catch up with you, if not with this relationship, with some other common contact you both may have.

Tip:  Getting someone to like to is more about you getting to like them.  Affection and friendship is best when reciprocated.  Also, avoid turning to the Dark Side and using their trust of you for wrong purposes.

To Email or Call? That is the question

Have you ever had the decision to either call or email someone?

It sounds simple, but it’s really interesting how many ways there are to communicate, and which is the most appropriate for the occasion.  I am an email junkie, checking on my Google account more than my  voice mail or text messages combined.   I have come up with these tips on the issue of communication:

1. Know your audience- If you are just looking to contact a buddy, use your spider-sense and think about how that person outreaches to others.  Are they on Facebook 24/7, and can be best reached by leaving a note on their wall or by sending a personal message?  Maybe this person is a phone person, and leaving a voice mail is all it will take to hear back from him or her.  One of my best friends is almost only reachable via text message (SMS), and while I’d rather have a 5 minute phone conversation with her, I know I will need to do some quick typing if I’m going to get a response from her.

2. Know your intent- If the reason for contact is more professional, or to get someone to know you a little better, a phone call is always best.  There is no substitute for the human voice, with all of its expressions and intonations.  Speaking on the phone will also mitigate any miss communication that can arise from misinterpretations of emails.  Sometimes things are best said, not written. My professional mentor has explained that  it is always better to get someone on the phone and make as personal a contact as possible.

3. Know your situation- I am very hard to get a hold of via cell phone, so I encourage people to email me in order to relay messages or send reminders. I encourage people that I want to develop friendships with to “friend” me on Facebook, so I can have small brief communications until the time is available to actually hang out or speak on the phone.  Know your time constraints and schedule, and plan accordingly.  If you are a big “talker”, don’t call someone when you are multi-tasking or during TV commercials, only to have to hang up mid conversation. I am guilty of this sometimes, and only a few close friends tolerate my “I only have a few minutes but I wanted to say…” moments.  It’s best to set time aside for conversations.

My friend Cary mentioned that there is no substitute for a phone call, it’s classy and polite.  It seems that, despite the technological options, there is still value to speaking directly with someone over the phone. And I would even argue a good face-to-face meeting still triumphs in relationship building.

311, I have to disagree

311, one of my and Alex’s  favorite groups to listen to together (as exhibited by our first dance at the wedding being to 311′s version of “Love Song”), has a lyric from Beautiful Disaster that, after a few years of career experience, must come under question:

Today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two

The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue

I try to be not like that but some people really suck

Some people need to get the axing chalk it up to bad luck

I read a really great article in The Boston Globe about avoiding burning bridges in the workplace.

It is a really well written piece that covers a big part of office politics, and reminds me of the importance of schmoozing in situations when you’d rather let them know what you really think.

Take This Job and …

Burning bridges in the workplace can be oh, so satisfying, but it’s never a wise move – especially in this town

By Kris Frieswick May 30, 2008

Have you ever hated a co-worker or boss so much that the mere thought of the person, even a decade or more later, could set your blood boiling? Three people in my life earned that dubious honor. Each one left a scar on some section of my early career, back when I was a cocksure, supposedly brilliant young professional. Since I couldn’t envision a future in which I was not in charge, I took great pleasure in burning my bridges with these executive miscreants. Looking back, I’m certain that I deserved everything they dished out. Yet, I still loathe them, and I’m sure the feeling is more than mutual.

Although I haven’t seen any of them since I torched our ties, I know that I will eventually, because this is Boston, a big small town. It’s even smaller if you work in one of the insular little industries that make up Boston’s economy – industries in which you cannot move, eat, sleep, burp, or transgress without everyone knowing about it. More important, in Boston, it seems as if no one ever really leaves. It’s like a sprawling, cobblestoned Hotel California. A person might fade from view for a while, but one day he will likely reappear in your professional life, often in a position of authority. And if you have tussled with him in the past, he will appear on your career path like a big, spiteful speed bump.

Lashing out at someone you feel has done you wrong, burning a professional bridge, feels good – for a minute. It’s a way of asserting your power in a situation in which you feel powerless or overwhelmed. Walking away from a job that you hate without a word to anyone, telling off a co-worker, client, or boss, or purposely scuttling a project by failing to deliver your end are just some of the ways that you can let the hated individual know exactly who is in charge – principally when you’re not.

But as good as it feels, we underestimate the devastating long-term effect such instant gratification can have on a career, especially when we are just starting out. As a longtime member of the journalism brotherhood, I’ve seen this firsthand far too often, especially among each year’s new crop of supposedly brilliant young people who can’t envision a future in which they are not in charge. Like the young me, many of those new to the workplace (and sometimes even those who have been around long enough to know better) are sure they’ll one day be boss, so it does not matter who they alien- ate. What they don’t consider is that all but the biggest bosses have a boss, and the biggest bosses have employees. No matter what professional heights you hit, a person you’ve alienated in the past can do a whole lot of damage – from above or below.

But this is Earth, and we have jerks here. You will inevitably work with or for one of them. (Or maybe you are one of them. Recall the old saying: If you can’t spot the moron in the room, it’s you.) Through bitter experience I’ve learned that the best way to deal with these people is to do nothing. If letting their dysfunction simply wash over your back seems impossible, tell yourself that the bullying bosses or co-workers have massive self-esteem issues, which is why they push everyone around. Or that they’re sort of stupid and must cover up their lack of knowledge with intimidation. It helps that these things are usually true. If left to his own devices, the workplace Mussolini’s actions say far more about him than they ever could about you. Trust the universe to sort it out – you don’t really need to help. (Remember, too, there are very few purely evil, manipulative people in the workplace. A person who seems like an ogre may simply be responding to a perceived slight. It doesn’t hurt to first look in the mirror if you feel you’re being attacked professionally.)

Some might equate doing nothing with surrender or being conflict-averse. That isn’t the case. It takes confidence to let the idiots pass by without grabbing their bait. It re- quires a deep and profound maturity to place your long-term career goals above the thrill of telling an office bully exactly where to get off or spitting in his mocha latte. It’s an insight I wish I’d had back when it would have done me some good. Because in the Boston workplace, whether you’re the mayor or a coffee-fetching assistant to another assistant, whatever goes around comes around. And I, for one, am bracing myself for those speed bumps.

Find Potential in Others

Have you seen the musical Wicked?  It’s not bad, and a bit more entertaining than the book it was based on.   There was one song from the musical that I felt exemplified the true purposes of schmoozing/networking: connecting with people in a way that can permanently impact your life.

The song is called “For Good” and here are the particular lyrics:

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Now, I don’t want to come off as unrealistic.  Most of our interactions are brief, and rarely turn into life changing events.  But every person you meet has the potential to become a friend, ally, business partner, mentor, etc., so why not take the risk of getting to know him or her?  That is what schmoozing is, getting to know someone new and planting the seed for potential.

I am lucky, my networking efforts have brought some of the most inspiring people into my life.  But it all comes down to the mindset you have. You have to believe in others so that they can believe in you.  Cliche, I know.  But in the game of relationship building, confidence and respect are valuable commodities.

I found 5 good relationship building skills from an article on helpguide.org:

Relationship help skill 1: The ability to manage stress

Stress shuts down your ability to feel, to think rationally, and to be emotionally available to another person, essentially blocking good communication until both you and your partner feel safe enough to focus on one another. This damages the relationship. Being able to regulate stress allows you to remain emotionally available.

The first step in communicating with emotional intelligence iis recognizing when stress levels are out of control and returning yourself and others, whenever possible, to a relaxed and energized state of awareness.

To learn how, see How to Manage Stress: Tips to Quickly Relieve Stress in the Moment

Relationship help skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your emotions

Emotional exchanges hold the communication process together. These exchanges are triggered by basic emotions, including anger, sadness, fear, joy, and disgust. To communicate in a way that grabs or engages others, you have to be able to access your emotions and recognize how they influence your actions and relationships.

However, your emotions may be distorted, numbed, or buried – especially if you’ve experienced early-life traumas such as loss, isolation, or abuse. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others. In order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, your must reconnect to your core emotions.

For step-by-step advice on how to reconnect to your emotions, see Emotional Awareness: Managing and Dealing with Your Emotions and Feelings.

Relationship help skill 3: The ability to communicate non verbally

The most powerful forms of communication contain no words, and take place at a much faster rate than speech. Using nonverbal communication is the way to attract others’ attention and keep relationships on track. Eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, gesture, touch, intensity, timing, pace, and sounds that convey understanding engage the brain and influence others much more than your words alone.

The way we talk, listen, look, and move will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement and desire for connection – or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust and disinterest.

Nonverbal communication isn’t about words, but it’s not necessarily silent; tone of voice or a well-placed sigh can say a great deal. And, it is a visual language. If a conversationalist is standing stiffly, the message he sends may be quite different than if he is visibly relaxed. An obvious eye-roll or a subtle shrug can speak volumes—even without the person’s conscious intention. So, nonverbal communication is vital to keeping our relationships strong and healthy.

Part of improving our non-verbal communicant involves paying attention to:

Eye contact Facial expression Tone of voice

Posture Gestures Touch

Nonverbal communication is the lifelong pulley that consciously or unconsciously sends either positive or negative signals to others. Nothing reveals more to others about us, or attracts others to us, than wordless communication.

For more on developing this essential skill, see Nonverbal Communication Skills: The Power of Nonverbal communication and Body Language.

Relationship help skill 4: The ability to use humor and play in your relationships

Playfulness and humor help you navigate and rise above difficult and embarrassing issues. Mutually shared positive experiences also lift you up, help you find inner resources needed to cope with disappointment and heartbreak, and give you the will to maintain a positive connection to your work and your loved ones.

Using playful communication in your relationships helps you to:

• Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be difficult without creating a flap.
• Simultaneously relax and restore energy. Play relaxes our bodies and recharges our emotional batteries.

To learn more, see Playful Communication in Relationships: The Power of Laughter, Humor, and Play.

Relationship help skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts in your relationships

The way you respond to differences and disagreements in personal and professional relationships can create hostility and irreparable rifts, or it can initiate the building of safety and trust. Your capacity to take conflict in stride and to forgive easily is supported by your ability to manage stress, to be emotionally available, to communicate nonverbally, and to laugh easily.

Conflict in relationships can be a deal breaker and a heart breaker. Two people can’t possibly always have the same needs, opinions and expectations—and that needn’t be a bad thing! But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it can be a cornerstone for trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, trust and safety in relationships.

Resolving conflict in a positive way involves:

• Staying focused in the present. When we are emotionally present and not holding on to old hurts and resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.
• Choosing your arguments. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not. Pick your battles wisely.
• Being able to forgive. If you continue to be harmed protect yourself.  But if not conflict resolution involves releasing the urge to punish.
• Ending conflicts that can’t be resolved. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If you can’t find common ground, let the argument go.

Once you know how to remain emotionally present, and manage stress, you can avoid overreacting or under-reacting in emotionally charged situations. And with the aid of nonverbal communication and humor you can catch and defuse many issues before they escalate into conflict.

Vitamin P

I learned an interesting new term last night from my Israeli friends.  It is called “Vitamin P”, P for protection.  What kind of protection? The wife of the couple said, very simply, “You need Vitamin P, protection, it’s all about who you know and your network.”

It’s a fascinating concept, about more than just activating your network. It’s brings into question the quality of ones network and the fallibility of aimless, insincere schmoozing.  I lost my job over a month ago (yay for nonprofit organizations in the 2009 economy!) and it was the true test of myself and my network.  I was offered a part time position almost immediately after from one of my friends, just to hold me over until I figure my next career move out.   I’m very lucky to have people like this in my life.  But how strong is my Vitamin P really? I thought my connections at my last job were strong enough to pull me through, but I quickly realized I was “Vitamin P deficient.” And wouldn’t an individual’s  “dosage” be different, depending on the strength of their connections?  That’s the problem with Vitamin P, some people will have a more effective pill.

The real question is what does our society value more in the individual: the quality of someone’s work, or the network he or she can utilize?  I would hope that one’s work effort can stand alone, but having people who will go out of their way to help you is a major indicator of respect and character.  So I guess the argument is to have both worlds covered: work hard and network well.

Quick questions to ask yourself in order to test your network:

1. Are you comfortable enough to ask someone in your network for help if you need it?

2. How responsive is your network when you contact individuals?

3. Is your network interactive? (Do people ask you for advice, favors, help, information, etc.?)

4. If you had to apply for a new job today, who would you be able to list as a reference?

Don’t blow schmooze up my skirt!

So, I saw this video and found it annoyingly condescending.  First, the guy in the video advocates against schmoozing (I don’t think he knows what it really means).  Second, he comes off as insincere as the advice he attempts to give.  I agree with him that networking is about relationships, that’s a give in.  But schmoozing is exactly what keeps people from being “transactional”.  It is the fine art of getting to know someone and helping them feel more comfortable getting to know you.  Schmoozing can ease tensions in any environment, be it the workplace or at home.  Sometimes my husband admits that he wished I would schmooze with him as well as I do with my customers– it helps people feel cared about. A good schmoozer knows that it is their job to entertain and assist, to listen and to appreciate, and a real schmoozer always does it from the heart. In any case, here is the quick video, and make your own judgments on the argument.

To watch the video, click here